Running away from love
Oh dear:
I don't know what to write to you. Should I say that your love is still nestled within my heart? Or should I say that distance has made you human and you have become a specter on the margins of memory? Should I tell you that your love is rushing through my blood like a roaring wave? Or should I tell you that our love Is this what you are talking about an illusion? A deceptive mirage?
I do not know, my dear, what I should write to you to remove you from my circle, which you entered against my will... against my nose, as I found you intruding into my life without warning, and injecting me with the blood of a young man, hot blood whose rush in my veins I had forgotten a long time ago, after I fell asleep. Snow filled my head and crept into my veins. You told me that you remember our first meeting within that group sitting on elegant desks. You still remember the day, date, and hour as if it was a historical event!
Since that date and that hour, a flowing fountain has burst forth in your heart, and your inexhaustible giving has begun. You opened your heart wide to me, and you told me many things about yourself. You did not hide anything from me, nor intrusive. You were very frank, expressing your feelings with simplicity. I took in all my feelings, your words. Simplicity was drawing a special philosophy, giving life a distinctive color.
That day, I was drawn to you by a beautiful feeling. I called it friendship. I even told you that it was deeper than friendship. It was brotherhood. I did not notice your sensitivity to that word until after a while of our acquaintance, when I found you shuddering at that word and repulsed by it. Ebbs and flows took hold of me. Thoughts swirled in... My head and pushed a thousand and one questions to my tongue.
I ignored the answer, and I began to treat you as a younger sister than me, and to draw a path of light for you, ignoring what you were thinking and the feelings you were carrying, so I was the beach on which you committed suicide and the waves of your emotions faded away. I always deliberately put the word “sister” among my words to you. You used to resent, revolt inside yourself, and try to speak, but you quickly swallowed your words and threw them into your heart like broken wings. I used to notice that and ignore it, and I would say to myself that friendship and brotherhood are possible. It is possible that we do not let it take on a more dimension than that. Our meetings became numerous, our thoughts converged, our interests became similar, and your eyes began to crush the mountain of steadfastness that I nurture and grow within me. Then there was a violent earthquake, scattering the contents of my soul, and I lost the word “my sister” while speaking to you, so your eyes sparkled with a sparkle of victory that drew me to you. More and more...that day you took courage and asked me:
-What do you think of love? What is your definition of love?
I answered you with vague words that do not quench the thirst of your thirsty heart, thirsty to hear a sweet symphony of love. You ignored my words and started playing a beautiful melody with your words that conveyed to me your opinions about love. You were trying hard to choose the most gentle words and the kindest expressions with which to define love and to explain the meaning of love. She went away. The words bloomed like buds on your lips, showering me with the scent of love so that I could melt in its fragranceSo I said and said as I listened, reading the expression on your face, noticing the flushing of your cheeks, noticing the interruption of the tones of your voice. I hear the sound of your troubled heart.. On that particular day, I was trying to appear like a student receiving a private lesson from his teacher.. You began to explain and comment extensively, scooping pearls and pearls from the sea of love to throw them in my hands, to dazzle my eyes with them, but that student was not just a recipient!.. What a surprise it was for you when I said:
- I do not believe in the existence of this love that you speak of...or rather, it is a deceptive illusion...
You said with astonishment knotting your tongue:
- How? How can you not believe in his existence?
- That love that you are talking about died a long time ago and its bones swelled. It died with Qays and Laila, Romeo and Juliet, and Mammoth. As for what we find in reality today, let us call it enticement. We call it a necessity, a need, an instinct. We call it an attraction between... Two sides that are not identical... As for calling it love... no!... lest we deprive ourselves of love, dress it up like a clown in a circus, and throw it into the arena of our days...
- But I!.. But I!..
The words committed suicide on your lips before they moved any atom of the ether. You then wrote to me remnants of letters, remnants of words, that you had not said before. I said to myself, “These are the ashes of the fire that was extinguished.” I dug through those letters, dug through that ashes, and found behind Every letter is a mountain of embers, cauterizing, burning, and glowing.. From under the ashes, your words were accusing me of insensitivity. They were screaming at me:
- Don't you see that woman standing in front of you, calling you, with her arms open to hold you to her chest?!.. Don't you see that heart that explodes for you with the highest and noblest emotion?!.. Don't you see the eyes that are crying out to you to quench their thirst?!.. Don't you see the lips that quench their thirst?! You are still trembling without being able to utter the words “I love you”?!.. What is wrong with you?!.. Are you not moving?!..
That day I stood confused.. Does she really love me?.. And what kind of love is she?.. Do I share the same feelings for her?.. Or do I have the feelings of a brother and a friend?..
I entered into myself, exploring her, conversing with her, gaining insight from her. I found her revealing to me in all frankness that there is no brotherhood or friendship between you... rather, it is love. But she shouted as if she was a judge in a court giving his final ruling:
- It is love with eternal sublime emotions.. The ruling was issued.. The session was adjourned!..
I was thrown into the dungeon of love, suffering from what I was suffering from. I asked myself how could I allow myself to delve into the forest of love after gray hair covered my head and March snow ran through my veins? I decided to hide what was in myself, and not to confess to you what I was suffering, and if with your words you demolished the edifice of my steadfastness, restored the young blood to my veins, your mouth released the word “I love you” and your pen wrote it dozens of times, in successive lines, so I couldn’t help but sit in the confessional chair, to tell you. And I love you too.. I was happy for this confession, and I was happy for your joy. I was high and happy. We lived in an angelic atmosphere, we soared high and high.. We rose above our material, and we ascended the stairs of heaven, so our souls soared in a sky of serenity, purity, and divine light..
I came back to earth that